"DEATH"

Death is one some subject matter that most people find disturbing. They are too afraid to talk about it but not for me. I for one find reading the obituaries interesting and calming in a way and I don't know why. Death itself is liberating and transforming somehow. It's like the butterfly going through a cycle of being reborn several times over before transforming itself into one of natures beautiful creatures.

To die is to give way, to let go for something new. "You may be surprised to learn that death is always with each of us - at every moment of every day. We are always surviving death and transforming. We experience the deaths of our cells, our personalities, our ideas and thoughts, our emotions, our ambitions, and much more. We are constantly dying." (Davey Wavey Blog " Break the Illusion) In order for life to prosper one has to give life and giving is dying in a way. Death should not be treated with malice for with out it life would loose its very essence.

Today is just any other day and it is as "grey as ever." I cannot even think of anything to write about except to express what I have been feeling for the past few days. And this is the only consolation I get. The only means I know possible to get a small amount of relief from all the negativity I have. But even then, it is difficult to open up and let loose all my emotions and feelings; and this makes it even more hard on myself. I try to open up to people but it complicated than I imagine. I feel misunderstood and get even frustrated in the end. I am in the "twilight zone" lost, injured and probably dead. But I guess death will only be the only solution I get. One must die to give new life to another; only then I can say that Im free.

"GOODBYE FRIENDS"

Im saying goodbye to my so called "friends" most specially to the "new ones" I have met. Im saying goodbye to you not that Im going somewhere or as some of you have the notion that Im going to die, as so you think that I have suicidal tendencies. You're absolutely wrong. Thanks for your impression and for knowing me. You may say Im acting irrationaly, but thats just how it is. And crazy as it sounds... yes! Im going nuts and growing impatient to say the least. I blame myself for trusting people offering friendship on the chat channels on the net. I learned the hard way but thats just how life works isn't?

Funny... to my so called "friends" oppss! I deleted your contacts. Can't blame an impatient finger deleting your contacts can you? hehehe... I made it through before I met you and certainly I can make it through with out you. And so life must go on. At this time you may be wondering and start to ask "Am I happy?" relieved thats for sure and no more worries.

Goodbye!

"What is your color today?"

What is your color today?

The world we live in is a living canvas with a full spectrum of color and hue unimaginable. It is what makes the world vibrant to the vivid eye. Furthermore, it’s these colors that influence us most; affecting our thinking, moods, emotions and how we relate with others. Indeed colors play a vital role in the human psyche that it can be used as a form of self expression.

What I am going to share with you is a resource from the internet that I have come across giving us an idea of the rich and diverse meaning of colors.


“Red symbolizes: action, confidence, courage, vitality”
“Red is the warmest of all colors. Red is the color most chosen by extroverts and one of the top picks of males. On the negative side red can mean temper or anger. In China, red is the color of prosperity and joy. Brides wear red and front doors are often painted red. Red is Tuesday's color. Red roses symbolize passionate love. Ruby rings should be worn on the left hand. Red is the color of Mars. This planet is known as the God of War.”

“Pink symbolizes: love, beauty”
“Pink is the color of universal love. Pink is a quiet color. Lovers of beauty favor pink. A pink carnation means "I will never forget you".

“Brown symbolizes: earth, order, convention”
“People who prefer brown are often conventional and orderly. The negative meaning of brown can be a repressed personality or a lazy person. Brown is the color of the earth and is associated with the material side of life.”

“Orange symbolizes: vitality with endurance”
“Orange is a power color. It is one of the healing colors. It is said to increase the craving for food. It also stimulates enthusiasm and creativity. Orange means vitality with endurance. People who like orange are usually thoughtful and sincere. Lady luck's color is orange. I have been told that if a change of any kind is need in life, just burn an orange candle for 7 nights.”

“Gold symbolizes: Wealth, prosperity, wisdom”
“It is no surprise that gold symbolizes wealth used wisely, but it is also the symbol of good health. People who favor the color gold are optimistic.”

“Yellow symbolizes: wisdom, joy, happiness, intellectual energy”
“The shade of yellow determines the meaning. Pure, bright and sunny yellow is the easiest color to see. People who are blind to other colors can usually see yellow. Yellow is full of creative and intellectual energy. Always use yellow note pads.”
“Yellow symbolizes wisdom. Yellow means joy and happiness. People of high intellect favor yellow. Yellow daffodils are a symbol of unrequited love. Sunday's color is yellow-gold.”

“Green symbolizes: life, nature, fertility, well being”
“Green is the color of nature, fertility, life. Grass green is the most restful color. Green symbolizes self-respect and well being. Green is the color of balance. It also means learning, growth and harmony. Green is a safe color, if you don't know what color to use anywhere use green.”
“Green is favored by well balanced people. Green symbolizes the master healer and the life force. It often symbolizes money. It was believed green was healing for the eyes. Egyptians wore green eyeliner. Green eyeshades are still used. You should eat raw green foods for good health. Friday is the day of green. Green jade is a sacred stone of Asia.”

“Blue symbolizes: youth, spirituality, truth, peace”
“Blue is the coolest color - the color of the sky, ocean, sleep, twilight. The ancient Egyptians used lapis lazuli to represent heaven. Blue symbolizes the Virgin Mary. A pure blue is the color of inspiration, sincerity and spirituality. Blue is often the chosen color by conservative people. Blue is the calming color. That makes it a wonderful color to use in the home, especially for babies. Blue is so soothing that is a good choice for pajamas. Dark blue is the color of truth and moderation. A blue iris means your friendship is very important to me. Wednesday's color is blue. Blue gemstones to wear to feel calm are blue sapphire and blue topaz. Lapis lazuli and azurite are said to heighten psychic power.”
“Turquoise is the symbol of youth, both the color and the gemstone. This color has a soothing affect. Turquoise is the color of communication. It contains the growth quality of green with the blue quality of communication. Turquoise has long been used in amulets to provide protection, health, confidence and strength.”
“Aqua is the color of high ideals.”

“Purple symbolizes: Royalty, magic, mystery”
“Purple is the color of good judgment. It is the color of people seeking spiritual fulfillment. It is said if you surround yourself with purple you will have peace of mind. Purple is a good color to use in meditation.”
“Purple has been used to symbolize magic and mystery, as well as royalty. Being the combination of red and blue, the warmest and coolest colors, purple is believed to be the ideal color. Most children love the color purple. Purple is the color most favored by artists. Thursday's color is purple.”
“Violet is the color of purpose. Violet is associated with the Crown chakra (This links individual and universal).”

“Indigo symbolizes: intuition, meditation, deep contemplation”
“Indigo is the color of the deep midnight sky. It can have a negative effect when used during a depressed state, because it will deepen the mood. Indigo symbolizes a mystical borderland of wisdom, self-mastery and spiritual realization. While blue is the color of communication with others, indigo turns the blue inward, to increase personal thought, profound insights, and instant understandings. While blue can be fast, Indigo is almost instantaneous. Inventors use indigo skills for inspirations that seem to 'come out of the blue'.”

“White symbolizes: Purity, Cleanliness”
“White is the color of purity. Brides wear white in many countries, because white symbolizes a virgin. White means kindness. In some cultures white is worn at funerals. White is Monday's color. White daisies are a symbol of loyal love.”

“Black symbolizes: Death, earth, stability”
“Black is the most misunderstood color. A black tie dinner is very formal and elegant. Women can wear that "must have little black dress" to the black tie dinner. Yet the bad guys wear black hats. Black symbolizes death in some cultures. Native Americans thought black was good because it was the color of soil, which gives life. Saturday's color is black.”

“Gray symbolizes: Sorrow, security, maturity”
“Gray is the color of sorrow. People who favor gray can be the lone wolf type or narrow-minded. Gray with more silver in it can be a very active color.
Native Americans associate gray with friendship. Gray is the symbol for security, maturity and dependability. It connotes responsibility and conservative practicality.”

The question remains “What is your color today?”

Reference: http://crystal-cure.com/color-meanings.html

"YESTERDAY"

“Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away

Now it looks as though they're here to stay

Oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be

There's a shadow hanging over me

Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why she had to go

I don't know she wouldn't say

I said something wrong,

now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play

Now I need a place to hide away

Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why she had to go

I don't know she wouldn't say

I said something wrong,

now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play

Now I need a place to hide away

Oh, I believe in yesterday

Mm mm mm mm mm”

Writing today’s post gives me a recollection of the tv series in the early 90’s “The Wonder Years” a story of a young boy’s life in the past as being narrated by him in the present. As well as the song entitled “Yesterday” by the Beatles in the 60’s. Watching and listening to these was fun and entertaining but mine isn’t. There is a big disparity between fiction and reality. Reality can slice you with the precision of a cold sharp knife with no remorse, unfeeling, and no questions ask.

For the past few days and weeks (and the entirety of my life, the time when I learned how to remember) I can’t stop thinking about the “yesterday;” my “not so lucky past.” And honestly speaking, I could not even think of any difference that made it worth remembering. The question now is “why even bother to think about the past?” as if I can do something about it now. I am fully aware that I can no longer correct the past. But why does it keep on haunting me? It comes out from no where and it gets annoying even more. To the point that its making my present a living hell. Everything is at a standstill for me now. I could not even function and make my life productive. The only consolation that I get is I can write something about it. Not that I get pleasure writing it, but on the contrary it just makes me numb.

"CHAOTIC"

Today is increasingly difficult for me. Im like a ballon inflated beyond its capacity ready to burts at any moment. I want to cry and shout it all out but I can't. It's like a bad dream wanting to wake up and eager to have comfort and reassurance from it all. I don't know what else to do. I'm confused and lost.

My past is haunting me. I don't know where I have gone wrong. I try to run away from everthing and forget. But it seems I don't have any means of escape. It's like a shadow constantly following me everywhere I go. I want to break free from it all and simply stop thinking about everything and start anew. But the question is "how?"

Illustration: www.fotosearch.com/photos-images/chaos

"LOG BLOGS"

“LOG BLOGS”
(15-02-09)

I call these posts as “log blog” since I haven’t been spending much time going online to write my daily post for my personal blog. So here are a few of the things I have so far.


“ME”
(11-02-09)

“Independent?” unconventional, stubborn ( that’s one thing for sure) and rebellious is some kind of way.

You don’t know me quite well yet. And I prefer it that way. I’m a person who prefers anonymity; a life of many secrets. This is the real me.

To most of my friends they know me as happy go lucky, serious looking, fun to be with and boring in some ways. But all this attributes are simply superficial or simply “skin deep.” And for those who see’s the real me are brave enough to brand me as a “secretive person” and I for one would not beg to disagree.



“HOME SICK”
(12-02-09)

For the past few days I have been thinking about home and daydreaming about what to do if I get back. “Do this and do that.” I can’t wait and even more excited. But I have to take hold of myself and not to get my feet off the ground for such “highs.” One thing is for sure, I miss home.

“DAY OF HEARTS”
(14-02-09)

Happy Valentines! Unfortunately for me I don’t have anyone to spend it with than with myself since I broke up last January. But for those who are in love and loved enjoy it while it last. Make everyday a valentine.


MY HOROSCOPE
(15-02-09)

No wonder I’m feeling a sense of excitement for things I want and have been daydreaming about and dismay for missing home. My horoscope for today tells me that I have to: “Think back a few months – whatever you started then should finally start to pay off.” I wouldn’t agree more since I finally got what I wanted since I decided to stay and look for a new perspective and outlook in life. But somehow, there’s a feeling of doubt and uncertainty or maybe I’m just confused and overwhelmed about too many things to think about. But I’m hoping I’m on the right track.

UNFORTUNATE

UNFORTUNATE
(10-02-09)


Today is yet a day of challenges just as any other day for everyone. As for me it is no different.

I found it hard to get out of bed early today since I went to sleep late in the evening and wanted to cuddle more on bed, but I simply cannot. But anyhow I was able to make sense of what I am suppose to do and I found myself getting on the right track for the days daily routine except for some “unfortunate” events. It started when I was about to go out for work when I missed the 10 o’clock bus thinking that I am 14 minutes early. And surely I was. And I started to ponder and ask myself “why?” “Is this another sign for the things to come for me today?” But I have to keep calm and be positive for today even if I have to wait for more than 30 minutes to get on a bus going to the train station and board the train. There’s still time for me to get to work on time and hope nothing would go wrong along the way. But sadly, after getting off the train I was faced with the same predicament. I thought I was lucky seeing the bus on queue waiting for passengers only to find out that I have to wait for more than 30 minutes before the bus sets for its daily route. OMG I was late for work!

It was “unfortunate” that my sense of time and preparation did not work out. Even if I made it perfectly sure that I have to prepare for 2 hours traveling to work today just as I have always been doing ever since I started work. In consolation for these “unfortunate” events that took place today. I’m guessing that the cosmic flow of things and time was not in my favor today but “theirs.”

Despite the “unfortunate” circumstance that set my day today I learned that It is not these “unfortunate” events that make up my day but it is how you end your day that is important. Past is past and what matters most is the present. This yet again proves that we live in a world with endless possibility.

FISH TANK

A million things on my mind but I found myself not having much to do today. My day would have been perfect if not with the usual planning, too much thinking and worrying which eventually lead to the usual procrastination. But anyhow, I was able to do one thing I like and I miss so much. I went to Carrefour and had a look around the aquarium shop. I browsed along the assortment of fish they have for sale and aquarium accessories. And I must say, they’re nice to see and furthermore expensive compared back home but I find the fish tanks good even if it’s a bit pricy. I decided to come to Carrefour not to buy a fish tank but to buy sea water for my cousins’ five gallon salt water tank. Since her boyfriend had been bragging, complaining and announcing about not being able to find any shop selling sea water for the fish tank. I’m guessing he was just too lazy to look around or he’s not interested at all and just waiting for other people do for him.

I wanted to surprise him and get the sense out of him. Honestly, I find him to be a “loud mouth” with his annoying, bragging, haughty talks and self centered attitude. To make things worse upon coming back from work I saw him looking at the tank. I couldn’t make up what is on his mind seeing the tank fully set up. He starts to look at me asks questions and after getting all what he wanted to know he didn’t even say “thank you” for the initiative to do the work for him. He’s the kind that really annoys me very much but I’m just keeping my cool.

So after buying what I have been looking for went back home to set up and clean the fish tank together with the bad smelling dead corals which we brought back from our trip to Port Dickson last Sunday. I felt sorry for the dead corals and some other sea creatures for dying one at a time each day because they were insistent in bringing them back home for a souvenir without knowing what to do with the loot from the sea. Unfortunately, I have to do the cleaning for them.

Back home I used to have my own fresh water aquarium with an assortment of live fish which I keep for a hobby. I used to have the usual goldfish. Tiger barb, guppy and a blue strike small fish which I forgot what to call it. I love looking and gazing at my fish tank for hours I find it very relaxing and I’m missing it very much.

How I wish I could go back and enjoy once again the things I used to do.

OUT-OF-REACH

I am in a “dead zone” no connectivity with the outside world what so ever. I want to be alone, to be away from everything and everyone. I find security and assurance when I detach myself from all things. This way I get recharge and ready. I feel free. But most people that I know or all of them for that matter doesn’t know nor understand why I do such a thing. And Id rather keep it to myself than give a long explanation why I deal into such pathetic action for myself. And furthermore, I don’t want to be branded “crazy” as such even If in some ways I am.

The one thing I am truly proud of is that this is me.

Illustration: www.mastermedia.org

SLOTHFUL

Today’s mood is yet again another bad dream. I find it difficult to wake up, get out of bed and start the day right. I don’t know why but this will definitely pose a big challenge for me today. I have been to this situation at many instances already and yet I still struggle. Today and everything pertaining to my pathetic life is at a standstill while I see the whole world dynamic as ever, busy and constantly changing before my eyes. Somehow with all this activity I am constantly reminded that I should take part no matter what. But the question is how, most specially at this mood I am today.

All I pray for right now is an instant power booster to jump start everything and wake up from this bad dream.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

It's funny, January 27 was my birthday and didn't write a post for my "B" day. Well, Im writing this post just to remember the day even if today is 2nd of Febuary. Just as I always say... "better late than never..." and this is the real me.

CONFUSED BUT GRATEFUL

CONFUSED BUT GRATEFUL

Today is relatively a cool rainy evening. I love the afternoon rain. I love the sound of rain falling on the pavement, the sound of water that has collected on the road while cars ran over it. Call me “crazy” but I find it quite soothing and relaxing by some means, with all the busy realities of life in the city.

And today as I reflect of what to write for my blog, I find it difficult somehow. It’s not unusual that this is an arduous task for me since I started writing my blog last year. And I just remember that just around the corner is its 1st year anniversary. I don’t want to sound like a perfectionist, but honestly, things are a bit hazy and blur in terms of the reasons why I started this. A simple explanation for this “speculation” somehow is I was not faithful to the purpose why I started writing post for my blog. For most of the time the major hindrance is “me” or the self. Just like the difficulty that we encounter everyday waking up and getting out of bed to start a brand new day. I suppose it’s just a matter of being keen, faithful, and creative in many ways and not to forget a cornucopia of patience. Key to being successful in any field is to continually dream and believe, to be optimistic despite the odds and to remain focused and driven.

As I come to a close and by simply speaking out one’s mind I learned that I was able to come up with this post. I know that with a little patience it can go a long way. And as a result I was able to share my thoughts and insights for today to day to say the least. You’ll never know who might come knocking on your doorstep when opportunity comes. Just as everyday is an endless possibility.